Long time, no blog

I once again started something that I didn't finish or continue. Story of my life. So I am recommitting to blogging. More than that I really want to start journaling and this is the easiest way to do it. We'll see how long this recomittment lasts...

I'm in a weird spot right now in my life.

My job is going well, I've finally been promoted but since it happened I've lost my spark and enthusiasm for the job.

I'm back on match but have only managed one disastrous date since August. I had other potential ones but blew them off and didn't respond. I don't know why although it could be that I realized that I have significant feelings for one of my co-workers at my part time job. Only problem is he's my good friend and boss. And he is trying to date this gorgeous, statuesque girl with whom I can't compare.

I've gained 10 of the 32lbs I lost back. I fought so hard to lose it but let pure laziness cancel it out. I'm back on Atkins and am starting to get sick of protein but I know its the one thing that has ever worked in my crazy yo-yo dieting life.

An acquaintance from college has contacted me and wants to take me out on a date. I've been trying to get out of it. He is not my type, loud, obnoxious, drunk, heavy and sweaty. I am a hypocrite. I'm heavy and sweaty so why should I reject him? And yet I wonder why I am rejected?? I'm creating a double standard.

A good friend from college unexpectedly passed away last month at the age of 35. He was intelligent, sweet, thoughtful, handsome, kind, caring and he apparently was also clinically depressed and bi-polar. He couldn't handle the pain anymore and he shot himself. We never knew about his condition. He never mentioned it. He was always upbeat and caring to everyone around him. He cared so much for people. It's such a tragedy that I can't put my head around it. I had the biggest crush on him for a long time. I was lucky enough to kiss him a few times. He really was just one of the best people I knew.

I'm staring to panic because of my advancing age and roaringly loud biological clock that is ticking like the doomsday clock. What am I going to do? I want to have kids, but I want a family and to me that includes a husband. I'm 34. Almost 34 1/2. I'm financially unstable. It's not like I could do it on my own. I have far too much debt and despite a decent salary and a second job I live paycheck to paycheck. I'm too frivolous and cavalier with my money. A child on my own would be impossible to do. I need that husband.

No, what I really need is to fall in love, have romance, and build the foundation of a solid relationship. I want that so much. Yet, I'm afraid of it. Petrified. I don't know why. I don't find myself worthy of all of that. My self esteem is a battered thing, it can't lift itself up because I keep battering it down. Slapping it the minute it makes me believe that I am worthy because I know someone will come and tell me otherwise, so why don't I beat that person to the punch and do it myself. Easier. Still painful. Still crippling.

The soldier is getting married. Less than a year ago, I thought he was going to be the "one". Instead he is going to be someone else's "one". On reflection, he wasn't right for me, he had a vastly different perspective on life than I. I do hope he is happy. That sentence took a long time for me to feel genuinely. I wanted him skewered on a bed of nails for a long time. Now, I just have given in to the truth. We did not make sense. We never would.

I'm not usually so dark and down about things, well that is not exactly true, to the outside world I project happy go lucky, inside I'm so terribly insecure and in denial of my life.

I just wish I knew what was going to happen. I know that is the fun in life, the not knowing, but so far things that not so fun or joyful have been happening and I wish I could have a crystal ball into the future so I could be better prepared for those coming calamities.

I think I need a nap.

10 Random Things about Today

1. I have found a new way to waste time at work...reading blogs. fabulous stuff.

2. I haven't done any work today. not a lick of it. (and no, I don't normally lick my work, that is just my side job)

3. Hershey's Kisses Dark Chocolate Truffles are both heaven and hell. Damn the coworker who brought them in.

4. I chopped off my hair and highlighted it. It could be good or bad - am trying to decide. My hairdresser called it sexy and edgy.

5. I invited a guy out on Friday night via myspace. He has read the message, b/c myspace lets you see the status. He read it yesterday. It is now today and he has not responded.

6. I've started to obsess the teensiest bit about why he has not responded.

7. The personal trainer has once again put me through hell. Planks may be the worst torture ever invented.

8. I ran for almost 10 minutes yesterday without falling off the treadmill.

9. I felt nauseaus this morning and thought for a second I might be pregnant. Turns out I was just hungry.

10. If I had been pregnant telling my friend with benefits was going to be a tough conversation. Thankfully another bullet dodged.

Mindless chitchat

Just had my review - not too bad. Decent. I won't be job hunting in the near future, which is a good sign! I'm just sitting here thinking about what I should spend my bonus on - I think a new laptop might be the solution and I'll put the rest away - although I have to confess that I am piss poor at money management. So by putting the rest away, I really mean that I'll continue to spend it like its water on really important stuff like...wine, dinner out, wine, more dinner, wine, maybe apps (cause money is low), wine (now hitting the box varietal) and then trying to buy something expensive and getting pissed off b/c I "thought" I had saved my money but when I go to look its all gone. It's a vicious cycle that I'll probably will be doomed to repeat until either the IRS or my bookie finds me. (OH and did I mention my weight is an issue...ah, could it be the wine and the dinner out...d'oh!)

Two days have passed since the torture session with the trainer AND I'm still sore! I went to the gym yesterday and worked through the pain, but today I tried to sneeze and I ended up yelping like a puppy that was just kicked. My abs are killing me, I can't even sneeze! But I am down 4lbs... I think I'll have to turn into a masochist and start to try to enjoy the pain b/c the payoff is worth it.

Still not in the mood to write about Soldier Boy. I'm still upset about being stood up, apologized to profusely with an offer to make it up to me this past weekend, and being blown off again. I'm not your doormat dickhead! The vision of the perfect kick to the face is what keeps me going through the day... I have issues.

I'm bartending tonight, at least that will keep my mind off the homicide through kickboxing scenario I have running through my mind. I'm hoping for a busy night without a lot of needless chitchat. I know, I know, I'm a bartender the mindless chit chatting is what it's all about. One nice perk is the sexual harassment I can inflict on my co-bartender... Don't worry he can dish as well as take it! I'm glad I'll be wearing my boob top tonight...

You're turning violet, Violet.

Yesterday was my first hour session with a personal trainer. I have never ever worked out that hard before - ever. My face was fuschia. Literally. I've never seen anything like it outside of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when Violet turned violet. I've been working out steadily on my own. Doing a mix of cardio and weight training. I thought I was challenging myself, but I really wasn't. If something started to hurt or ache, I would stop and move onto something else. Unfortunately I couldn't just stop and take a break yesterday, it was a circuit workout that was run through 3 times. At one point, I was like "fuck, I cannot believe I paid for this torture!" This morning when I woke up, I felt like a little old lady while shuffling through my apartment. They say if it hurts, it must be working, right?? On the bright side, I am wearing a size 10 suit jacket today...ah yeah! Of course, I am not a size 10 on the bottom yet, more like a 14...damn thighs...

I will continue on with my Soldier Boy story soon but not today. Right now the thought of him makes me want to kick box him in his face. ARGH! I think I may enroll in a kick boxing class so that when I do see him, I can execute a perfect kick right to his annoyingly handsome face.

Tomorrow is my performance review at work. I am a little nervous - I've done a good job, but prior to my new boss, I had a douchebag boss for most of 2007. He was a dismissive, arrogant jerk that I could never warm up to and it affected our working relationship. My new boss is fabulous. She cares about things that are important - like what I'm working on and how to develop me into the next level - things that the D.B. (douchebag) could not even begin to care about or even fake caring about. So the review is a combination of both their perspectives. I have a case of the butterflies...I really don't know how it will go.

Daydreaming, dieting and dating

The emails continued on with Soldier Boy. Even though he was in Iraq, he remained in constant contact. I would daydream constantly about how our first meeting would go when he returned to the U.S. In these daydreams I was always my perfect version of me: flawless skin, perfect hair and a body to die for. Well, on a good day I have decent skin, my hair is toss up - it is baby fine and requires some serious product for volume - but I could make it happen, the only thing wrong was the bod. It needed serious repair work.

I had to make the daydreams real so in March I made the committment to jump start the weight loss, my choice of diets was the Atkins diet and I started on March 23rd. I lost 12lbs the first week! I was so excited. At the same time I joined a gym. I was starting to finally feel good about myself, my clothes became loose and I started to see that maybe I could win the dieting challenge. I became more focused on losing weight and feeling better and spent less time obsessing over what could happen with the Soldier Boy. By June I was down 20lbs and becoming alternately shy and beaming with pride when people commented on my weight loss.

During this time, I was still in the dating frame of mind. I daydreamed but didn't expect that Soldier Boy would really be for me, I still harbored enough insecurities about myself that I couldn't see it happening. So I joined the internet dating site, the one with the annoying Dr Phil. I attempted the 90 page questionnaire for the eharmony site but was turned off by the types of questions - all seemed slanted toward a religious theme - I am Catholic but I don't practice and I have enough doubt to be classified as an agnostic. So that site didn't seem to be for me. So I put together a sweet, sincere essay about myself and included the only picture of myself that I had available. Now I just sat back and waited for the responses to come pouring in...

Stood up....

Being stood up has to be the most annoying and morale deflating event. And it wasn't even technically a date that I was stood up for. I had made plans with a guy to hang out and get some drinks. Nothing crazy, no 7 course dinner, just drinks. However, after a text and voicemail I still hadn't heard from him. Eventually I hear back later that night that he had gone out and gotten drunk and passed out. Cute. It was only 8:30 pm. I was crushed - and I was so crushed because I have a huge crush on him and this was another sign from him that he was not feeling the same way at all.

I'll give you some background on him - we'll refer to him as Soldier Boy. Soldier Boy is an old friend of mine from high school. We messed around a few times my senior year and finally full on hooked up my freshman year of college. I had a crush on him back then and it never really went away. At the time I had started dating a friend of his so we never amounted to anything more than clandestine hookups. That year he enlisted in the army and I only saw him a handful of times after that. The last time we had seen each other was when I was 21 - over 12 years ago. We lost touch and I had heard he had gotten married and was living in Texas and was still in the army. I would think of him from time to time and started classifying him in my head as the one who got away.

Last January I was on myspace and happened to come across his profile on another friend's site. Immediately my heart raced and I knew I had to send him a friend request. Without a seconds hesitation I hit the friend request button. I kept refreshing all day but no response. The next day I log on and I see that not only has he accepted my request but that he has also sent me an email. I almost pee'd my pants I was so beside myself. We begin emailing and I find out that he is no longer married (distance killed the marriage) and the distance he is speaking of is that he is on his second tour in Iraq. Within those first emails, the spark reignites full force for me. I don't know how he felt, most likely just happy to reconnect with an old friend. This feeling colored all of my interactions with him - I took every email and dissected it for underlying meaning. It didn't help that he emailed almost every day and that he was getting out in July for good (retiring as a Captain) and wanted to take me out on his return. His emails were alternating between serious - based on his situation and the war - and outright flirty as well. I was so excited b/c I thought maybe this was what I had been waiting for.

Around this time, I made the committment to lose the weight that had been creeping on steadily since my freshman year of college. His impending return made my desire to lose weight and look hot for him a priority.

2007 was a tough year. The future seemed so bright with these promising emails from Soldier Boy and the decision to lose weight and get healthy. Unfortunately only parts of it went as planned.

V-Day....and dieting rambles

So today is Valentine's Day. Could a more stupid day exist? It's a day for love but wasn't St. Valentine stoned to death??? Not real romantic... Needless to say, I am sans valentine this year. Which is a trend that seems to be continuing for more than a few years now. In addition to my corporate slave job I also bartend a couple times a week at a restaurant. Usually, my VDay is spent making champagne cocktails for couples that would never venture out any other day of the year to a restaurant. This lack of restaurant going leads to poor tips and more headaches than are generally worth it. I've worked it the past 7 years - about an hour ago I gave the shift away. It's just not worth the trouble. Also, I don't need a reminder that even the most hideously behaved people have somehow managed to attract a partner while I continue on being alone. I'm not trying to toot my own horn - but I'm a good time! I'm fun, considered attractive by some and I'm a generally good person.

To be honest, it isn't VDay that is getting me down. It's this frickin diet that I've been on since March 23, 2007 that is frustrating the crap out of me. Yes, it is now February 14, 2008 and I have been on a diet for almost a year. I'm proud to say that I've lost 30 lbs in this time period. Not so proud to say that I want to lose another 30... I guess this is also my issue with men - I'm not tiny and toned. I'm 5'6 and I weigh (as of this morning) 182. Yikes. My weight has always been an issue for me but its taken a long time for it to get really out of control and for me to notice that my size 16 clothing was getting tight. I've avoided full length mirrors for years. My thought has always been, if my hair and make up were perfect than I looked good. Acceptable. But I wasn't - most of the people in my life look past my size, even some of the men in my past have clearly not been turned off by it, but I've never been able to accept myself. So last year I decided that I was sick of the self-hate, the rolls of flesh that my clothing could no longer conceal and the feeling of dread everytime I had to get dressed. I went on the Atkins Diet on 3/23/07 and have been a vigilant psycho about not letting any carbs or sugar make it down my throat. I exercised for about a month. Yup, thats all. Thats not good. I have a gym phobia. Its the idea of sweating and looking foolish in front of others that discouraged my gym going and the fact that I could easily justify that sitting on the couch was more important. So on January 14th I dusted off the sneaks and joined the gym in my building at work. I have confronted the phobia head on - b/c not only am I sweating and looking foolish - now I'm doing that while in front of my co-workers. It's awkward but so necessary and instead of taking an hour to eat lunch, now I go to the gym. I've also begun crossing off the days I exercise on my calendar and scheduling in my work calendar as a meeting. I have a gym buddy too so this is keeping me accountable. So why so frustrated you may ask? Well, I've gained weight since I started. I know muscle weighs more than fat but does it really add 6 lbs in one week? I can't imagine that it does. So I started using this food diary on FitDay that calculates how many calories, carbs, fat etc... you are consuing daily. Holy Crap! I eat too much! Even though Atkins advocates no calorie counting only carb counting, it has really added up. No wonder I plateaued for months. I was eating too damn much. So now, in addition to being a vigilant psycho about carbs, I'm now an out of control freak about calorie counting and gym time. I'm losing my mind.