Long time, no blog

I once again started something that I didn't finish or continue. Story of my life. So I am recommitting to blogging. More than that I really want to start journaling and this is the easiest way to do it. We'll see how long this recomittment lasts...

I'm in a weird spot right now in my life.

My job is going well, I've finally been promoted but since it happened I've lost my spark and enthusiasm for the job.

I'm back on match but have only managed one disastrous date since August. I had other potential ones but blew them off and didn't respond. I don't know why although it could be that I realized that I have significant feelings for one of my co-workers at my part time job. Only problem is he's my good friend and boss. And he is trying to date this gorgeous, statuesque girl with whom I can't compare.

I've gained 10 of the 32lbs I lost back. I fought so hard to lose it but let pure laziness cancel it out. I'm back on Atkins and am starting to get sick of protein but I know its the one thing that has ever worked in my crazy yo-yo dieting life.

An acquaintance from college has contacted me and wants to take me out on a date. I've been trying to get out of it. He is not my type, loud, obnoxious, drunk, heavy and sweaty. I am a hypocrite. I'm heavy and sweaty so why should I reject him? And yet I wonder why I am rejected?? I'm creating a double standard.

A good friend from college unexpectedly passed away last month at the age of 35. He was intelligent, sweet, thoughtful, handsome, kind, caring and he apparently was also clinically depressed and bi-polar. He couldn't handle the pain anymore and he shot himself. We never knew about his condition. He never mentioned it. He was always upbeat and caring to everyone around him. He cared so much for people. It's such a tragedy that I can't put my head around it. I had the biggest crush on him for a long time. I was lucky enough to kiss him a few times. He really was just one of the best people I knew.

I'm staring to panic because of my advancing age and roaringly loud biological clock that is ticking like the doomsday clock. What am I going to do? I want to have kids, but I want a family and to me that includes a husband. I'm 34. Almost 34 1/2. I'm financially unstable. It's not like I could do it on my own. I have far too much debt and despite a decent salary and a second job I live paycheck to paycheck. I'm too frivolous and cavalier with my money. A child on my own would be impossible to do. I need that husband.

No, what I really need is to fall in love, have romance, and build the foundation of a solid relationship. I want that so much. Yet, I'm afraid of it. Petrified. I don't know why. I don't find myself worthy of all of that. My self esteem is a battered thing, it can't lift itself up because I keep battering it down. Slapping it the minute it makes me believe that I am worthy because I know someone will come and tell me otherwise, so why don't I beat that person to the punch and do it myself. Easier. Still painful. Still crippling.

The soldier is getting married. Less than a year ago, I thought he was going to be the "one". Instead he is going to be someone else's "one". On reflection, he wasn't right for me, he had a vastly different perspective on life than I. I do hope he is happy. That sentence took a long time for me to feel genuinely. I wanted him skewered on a bed of nails for a long time. Now, I just have given in to the truth. We did not make sense. We never would.

I'm not usually so dark and down about things, well that is not exactly true, to the outside world I project happy go lucky, inside I'm so terribly insecure and in denial of my life.

I just wish I knew what was going to happen. I know that is the fun in life, the not knowing, but so far things that not so fun or joyful have been happening and I wish I could have a crystal ball into the future so I could be better prepared for those coming calamities.

I think I need a nap.