V-Day....and dieting rambles

So today is Valentine's Day. Could a more stupid day exist? It's a day for love but wasn't St. Valentine stoned to death??? Not real romantic... Needless to say, I am sans valentine this year. Which is a trend that seems to be continuing for more than a few years now. In addition to my corporate slave job I also bartend a couple times a week at a restaurant. Usually, my VDay is spent making champagne cocktails for couples that would never venture out any other day of the year to a restaurant. This lack of restaurant going leads to poor tips and more headaches than are generally worth it. I've worked it the past 7 years - about an hour ago I gave the shift away. It's just not worth the trouble. Also, I don't need a reminder that even the most hideously behaved people have somehow managed to attract a partner while I continue on being alone. I'm not trying to toot my own horn - but I'm a good time! I'm fun, considered attractive by some and I'm a generally good person.

To be honest, it isn't VDay that is getting me down. It's this frickin diet that I've been on since March 23, 2007 that is frustrating the crap out of me. Yes, it is now February 14, 2008 and I have been on a diet for almost a year. I'm proud to say that I've lost 30 lbs in this time period. Not so proud to say that I want to lose another 30... I guess this is also my issue with men - I'm not tiny and toned. I'm 5'6 and I weigh (as of this morning) 182. Yikes. My weight has always been an issue for me but its taken a long time for it to get really out of control and for me to notice that my size 16 clothing was getting tight. I've avoided full length mirrors for years. My thought has always been, if my hair and make up were perfect than I looked good. Acceptable. But I wasn't - most of the people in my life look past my size, even some of the men in my past have clearly not been turned off by it, but I've never been able to accept myself. So last year I decided that I was sick of the self-hate, the rolls of flesh that my clothing could no longer conceal and the feeling of dread everytime I had to get dressed. I went on the Atkins Diet on 3/23/07 and have been a vigilant psycho about not letting any carbs or sugar make it down my throat. I exercised for about a month. Yup, thats all. Thats not good. I have a gym phobia. Its the idea of sweating and looking foolish in front of others that discouraged my gym going and the fact that I could easily justify that sitting on the couch was more important. So on January 14th I dusted off the sneaks and joined the gym in my building at work. I have confronted the phobia head on - b/c not only am I sweating and looking foolish - now I'm doing that while in front of my co-workers. It's awkward but so necessary and instead of taking an hour to eat lunch, now I go to the gym. I've also begun crossing off the days I exercise on my calendar and scheduling in my work calendar as a meeting. I have a gym buddy too so this is keeping me accountable. So why so frustrated you may ask? Well, I've gained weight since I started. I know muscle weighs more than fat but does it really add 6 lbs in one week? I can't imagine that it does. So I started using this food diary on FitDay that calculates how many calories, carbs, fat etc... you are consuing daily. Holy Crap! I eat too much! Even though Atkins advocates no calorie counting only carb counting, it has really added up. No wonder I plateaued for months. I was eating too damn much. So now, in addition to being a vigilant psycho about carbs, I'm now an out of control freak about calorie counting and gym time. I'm losing my mind.